Mediation can be an effective tool for resolving disputes, but when dealing with high-conflict personalities, the process can become emotionally charged and difficult to navigate. Whether you are an attorney representing a client or a party engaged in mediation, understanding how to manage these challenging individuals is key to reaching a resolution.
1. Stay Calm and Professional
High-conflict individuals thrive on emotional reactions. Avoid engaging in their drama or responding with anger. Maintain a calm, measured tone and keep your focus on the issues rather than personal attacks. If necessary, take deep breaths or request a break to reset the tone.
2. Go to the Balcony
In Getting to Yes, William Ury advises negotiators to "go to the balcony" when faced with contentious situations. This means mentally stepping back from the heat of the moment to gain perspective rather than reacting impulsively. By creating psychological distance, lawyers and clients can avoid escalating conflicts and focus on strategic decision-making rather than emotional responses.
3. High-Conflict People Don’t Process Grief Normally
Bill Eddy, a leading expert on high-conflict personalities, has found that unlike most people, high-conflict individuals do not go through all the stages of grief when dealing with loss or conflict. Instead of moving through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, they often get stuck in anger and blame, unable to reach resolution. This can make mediation particularly challenging, as they may be unwilling to compromise or let go of past grievances. Understanding this helps attorneys and clients manage expectations and approach the situation with patience and strategic de-escalation techniques.
4. Let the Mediator Lead
The mediator is trained to handle conflict and keep the conversation productive. Trust their process, and avoid escalating tensions by engaging in back-and-forth arguments. If the other party becomes aggressive or unreasonable, allow the mediator to step in and redirect the discussion. Often, high conflict individuals will only accept outcomes that they think are their idea. Trust your mediator to present proposals in a way that is most likely to result in agreement.
5. Set Boundaries and Stick to Them
High-conflict individuals often interrupt, make accusations, or attempt to control the conversation. Set clear boundaries by insisting on respectful dialogue and adhering to the mediation process. Attorneys should prepare their clients to expect difficult behavior and coach them on how to respond appropriately.
6. Focus on Interests, Not Emotions
It’s easy to get drawn into the emotional intensity of the dispute, but the goal of mediation is resolution. Focus on what your side is interested in achieving, rather than getting caught in an emotional tug-of-war. Make an agenda of your interests in advance to remind yourself of key points so you aren't tempted to be reactive.
By maintaining composure, going to the balcony when necessary, and understanding the unique challenges high-conflict individuals present, attorneys and clients can effectively navigate mediation and work toward a successful resolution.
Comments